Being a stay-at-home parent requires a lot from a person.
When I was working, my wife was so much more than other wives, it seemed, and the people I worked for noticed. During a brief period of time, when I had taken on a peripheral duty as a military police officer, the hours were horrendous. I was at work before 5 AM and home after dinner. On top of this, I’d just returned from Iraq and was blind to the overwhelming post-traumatic stress I was under.
While any other wife who had to deliver a child in her husband’s absence, only to go five more months without seeing him, would have complained to, fought with, or blamed him for this situation, she was up in the mornings before me with a lunch prepared and the car started.
While other wives I’d seen were passing bad checks, having affairs and calling their husbands at work to pick fights, I only had to be concerned with work problems when I was on duty.
After just three and a half of my five years in the military, I was promoted to sergeant. I spent the last of that time assisting in the management of an office of 40 people. The biggest contributor to my success was that when I was at work I was wholly at work.
My wife and younger daughter came by to visit, but on a schedule. Every Wednesday, she brought lunch and then we’d go for a short walk.
An Impertinent Husband Can be Saved by His Wife’s Grace
During my last Marine Corps Ball, I had introduced my wife to the battalion and regimental commanders of my unit, a colonel and a general.
While my wife charmed their wives with small talk, displaying her respect for them, I stood by with little to say until I heard her discussing the history of women in the military, especially their uniforms.
She said, “The uniform is so important. It used to be that they needed women to fill certain roles, so they had an attractive uniform that helped them think, ‘Hey, I’d look real sharp in that,’ while they also got paid, saw the world, and maybe met a nice man.”
The wives listened politely as she summed it up by saying, “Now, everyone gets the same frumpy, unisex outfit.”
To which I said, “Yeah, now we all wear the same pajamas,” thinking I was being just hilarious with a pressure-point jab to the Corps’ choice to evolve from pressed and creased camouflage utilities to the wash and wear uniforms of today. This expired the commanders’ already limited interest in talking with me.
My immediate superiors were less than pleased when I informed them of how funny I’d been with the general, and they were also surprised that they didn’t catch flak for it.
Some time later, I saw the colonel’s wife. She remembered me very well because of my “lovely wife.” The colonel had commented on another occasion that his wife thought well of me, as well.
Now That I’m Home, It’s My Turn
Today, she is on active duty. When I meet with her superiors, I know that she will be judged partially on my appearance and the appearance of our children. When I visit her office, it’s never with a problem, sometimes to help, and never as a surprise.
I keep a brush in the car for the girls and never dress too casually unless I’m going to the gym.
Not all people are like this. One woman on active duty had to face the music of her superiors when they questioned her as to why her husband had gotten a DUI on base. I recently met a military wife who was so rude that I felt like I was watching an episode of “When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong.”
She Kept it Real- Real Stupid
We recently went on a marriage retreat for my wife’s work. It was located at a 5-star hotel. Social events like these are where careers can be made or broken.
During a session where we were discussing challenges that military couples and families can face, one woman persisted in berating other people in the group. Once, it was to a couple discussing how they found it difficult to want to go to early church services on Sundays. Their remedies were to watch a TV service they enjoyed and read devotionals before dinner as a family. The other was a person who said he wanted to learn his wife’s native language, but she wouldn’t [couldn't] teach it to him. To the latter, the woman who “kept it real” said their situation was pathetic. In both cases, this enlisted man’s wife attacked her husband’s superiors, one of whom was his commanding officer.
While this soldier’s career will ultimately be decided by his own skill and dedication, it will also be judged on his character and decision-making ability, such as his choice of spouse who may or may not have been on her cycle.
We don’t personally know because we’re not interested in finding out outside of work. As big as any corporation, or the military, may be, every career field makes up a relatively small circle, and word travels fast, especially when its bad.
